Confessions from a Thirty Something Momma

For many people, thoughts of a phoenix evoke images of red, gold, and fire. For me, it evokes images of my sister, Johanna. Let me explain. Niki Fosters explains on www.wisegeek.com: “The phoenix is a legendary bird based in Egyptian   mythology   that burns itself at the end of its life, followed by a new bird rising from the ashes. It is also extremely long-lived and able to heal itself spontaneously. The bird is a symbol of immortality, resurrection, and regeneration. In ancient times, it was incorporated into the mythologies of many cultures, and in the medieval period, it became a symbol of Christ.”  In the Marvel Comic series, X-Men, we become acquainted with the fictional character of Jean Grey, a mutant with superpowers whose alias is “Phoenix.” Wikepedia describes Jean’s character formation as follows: “Under the authorship of   Chris Claremont   and the artwork of first   Dave Cockrum   and then   John Byrne   in the late 1...

I've been wanting to share a "Conversations about Down syndrome 101" on my Facebook for some time. So I decided it was time to contain it in a blog. Most of you know if you are a regular reader of my blog, that words are important to me. I seek to communicate clearly: to be heard and understand for what I am actually saying and meaning. I also seek to understand what someone else is actually saying and meaning, beyond their choice of words. This particular blog may make some people uncomfortable. You my read the following and say, " Um.... I said that - but I didn't mean it that way !"....   or " Why didn't you tell me that's how you felt about what I said ?" Please take note this is not a blog to address any specific conversation with any specific person. Before Alvaro I didn't know many individuals with Down syndrome (DS). In fact, I've met only one person and encountered him on less than a handful of occasions. ...

To the woman staring in the mirror looking back at me: I know you stand there  looking and  wondering if what you think and  feel reflect what is true. I've known you many years. All my life in fact. I remember you at age 12. You'd  stare and ask if you'd ever be pretty one day. You'd take measure of your awkwardness: your buck teeth, frizzy hair, and glasses, telling yourself you were just an ugly duckling that one day would become a swan. You hoped it would be true. Now you stand facing yourself well over 20 years later. To your disappointment, you don't see a Swan at all. You take stock of your perpetual pony tail,  frazzled nerves, and tired & thickened body... wondering if that Swan will ever be. Oh dear woman in the mirror - let me tell you the truth of what you're failing to see: Where you see fear, I see courage. Despite not knowing how and where this life will lead, you stand up and move forward seeking the purposes o...

"Did God do that?" he asked from the backseat. We were headed to little Josiah's funeral. Josiah left this world for a better place before he had a chance to meet any of us face to face. In the midst of questions and comments that came my way as my 7 year old nephew rode with me to the cemetery, this one was quite profound. I wanted to answer him as honestly as possible. To make sure I understood his question correctly, I clarified. "Did God do what? You mean because the baby died?"  And he nodded his head yes. After a few seconds I answered, "Maybe." Then I said, "Let me ask you something. Imagine you were running down the street. If you tripped and fell and your Mom didn't get to catch you, does that mean she pushed you?"  "No," he replied.  I continued, "If you are running down the street and your Mom is nearby, sometimes she'll be able to stop you from falling and she will catch you. Sometimes she won'...

"Are you a college student?" she asked with a smile. I smiled back and nodded my reply: no. "Are you a grown up? Like us? Is this your job?" Highly amused I replied yes. To set all doubts to rest I added, "I'm 34 and have 2 kids."  She was surprised. I don't know if it was the baseball cap and ponytail or my retainers the belied my age. In all cases I was highly flattered and totally amused. It wasn't that she thought I looked younger that amused me. It was her choice of words. "Are you a grown up?" It just tickled me. I felt like I was a kid being asked what I wanted to be when I grow up. As if somehow I was Jenna Rink, the 13 year old girl in the movie 13 Going on 30, under disguise as a grown woman.  What does it mean anyway to be grown up? Some would argue its a state of mind and attitude. Others would prefer to point to the list of responsibilities, bills, and burdens that come with the title. For me, being gr...

I’ve been struggling with discouragement. Not the “oh that situation stinks and I am disappointed kind”.  The “I can’t clearly see forward with a good outcome and I am trying not to give into depression” kind. The kind that sits with a pint of ice cream, 4 Oreo cookies, AND a large coca cola at midnight when I KNOW I need to lose several pounds and a good night of sleep.  The kind that sits in church with a smile and says hi to everyone when it takes everything in me not to break down and cry. The kind that slowly breathes through anxiety attacks so that I don’t lose it in front on my kids. The ironic part is that I am ALREADY on antidepressants for my postpartum depression.  Yet the struggles and trials of my everyday sometimes seem overwhelming. And I’m afraid I’m not coping very well. The problem is- I am just plain ole afraid. Instead of putting my focus on the Lord and turning to him for strength- I have turned to Netflix, chocolate, coffee, and work. ...

It is with a heavy heart that I prepare for our day tomorrow. Though my heavy heart is nothing compared to the pain of one of my closest and dearest friends, Esther. We were pregnant at the same time over 2 years ago. We gave birth to 2 beautiful and healthy baby boys. Their age difference is a mere 2 months. Elijah, her son, happens to be my Godson. Joel, my son, happens to be hers. When I conceived again last year with Alvaro, I figured she wouldn’t be trailing far behind. Sure enough, on Christmas Day, she and her husband shared their happy news with us. Their 2 nd child was also on the way. What an unexpected round of events this year has turned out to bring. February was the month my second son was born. His name is Alvaro. Shortly after he was born we received the surprising and shocking news that he was born with Trisomy 21, also known as Down syndrome.  What a rollercoaster of emotions and adjustments those first few weeks were.  Esther was there all ...