Watering the Grass

“I don’t know what I’m doing here, God,” I prayed as I vacuumed the staff lounge floor. Tears dropped down my cheeks as I passed the vacuum hose across the floor and around the couches. I was 25, single, and living overseas. And while I was generally happy, my heart longed and ached to be married and start a family. I remember saying as much in my prayers. “I have so much love to give God. I’m ready! When will you use all this nurturing and potential I have inside?” Gently but firmly, I felt God shift my focus. I was reminded that I was surrounded by others that I had the opportunity to love and serve. I could practice andshare my love with them, until the time came for me to start my own family.

I still remember the aching I felt in my heart for more. I felt ready for the love and companionship that I thought was only available in marriage and with children. Feeling ready for it, but lacking the reality of it in my life, I felt like I was missing out on something big!

Fast forward ten years to this morning. I was sitting on my computer with a list of overdue emails and correspondence that needed to get done today. The boys were “watching TV”, which means it was on in the background as they tore up my room. Toys were all over the floor. Papers and other items around my desk were cluttered near my feet. I stopped often to referee as Joel yanked items out of Alvaro’s hand and Alvaro cried out in a frustrated grievance. I stopped again as Joel cried out when Alvaro bit him because he was tired of being pushed around. I stopped yet again when Joel had an accident and Alvaro pooped in his diapers. Meanwhile I barely managed to complete a mere fraction of my correspondence well after an hour after sitting down.

In the middle of my chaos, I remembered that day in the staff lounge and almost laughed out loud and cried at this same time. I was in the throes of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, when I reminded myself that I asked for this. Indeed I yearned for this. I spent that day ten years ago vacuuming the floors in disappointment that I wasn’t doing this in my own household for my own family. Now I feel like I am drowning under the constant messes that beg to be repeatedly cleaned.  I thought to myself “if I only knew this is what I was crying over!”

Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids and my husband and my family. But some days, the long To Do list gets old. The feeling of guilt that I’m too busy to play with my kids gets old. The scolding myself and being reminded by others that I work too hard and need to just let things go gets old. And I realize that day in the staff lounge I longed for a romanticized version of my reality. What I longed for was a fantasy where the floors stayed clean and kids wanted to play with me when I felt ready stop to give them my full attention. One where we spent days laughing over silly things and brothers weren’t fighting at such an early age and life was simple and easy.

But my reality isn’t so simple. Some days, many days, it’s exhausting and overwhelming and frustrating. Some days it ends with a glass of wine or a bag of chips or a bowl of ice cream instead of a good run because I feel too tired to move.

And before I’m too tempted to think I was a fool to long for this craziness, I remember something I heard somewhere not so long ago. That the grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where it’s watered. And I remind myself, that while no one may see just how many times I scrubbed that dirty dish or how many times I cleaned the stains out of clothes, I was watering the lawn in my life. I remind myself that sometimes growth is not gained through the beauty of flowers on display, but the toil and work of preparing soil and the messy business of fertilizing it. Somewhere in the midst of the millionth diaper change and dirty clothes pile, my grass is getting greener.

The truth is I’m still “in the trenches” of raising small children and trying to not to lose myself in the midst of it. I think back to that young woman of 25 and think she had no idea what the reality of her prayers would look like. It’s not bad. But it is vastly different than what I had dreamed of. And that’s ok. I just need to remember that the grass is greener where it’s watered. My work behind the scenes isn’t for naught. And one day, I’ll be thankful for having had the opportunity to serve in this capacity as a mother and a wife. So I’ll just keep watering away. And I look forward to seeing how green this land of mine can actually get.