Confessions from a Thirty Something Momma

If I had to sum up 2013 in one sentence, it'd be: A year of learning. I've learned what it means to acknowledge my limitations and respect them in order to be a healthy person. I've learned what it means to let go of self imposed expectations that are unrealistic and unyielding.  I've learned what it means to accept, embrace, and love my child with a "special needs" diagnosis. I've learned that while his condition may affect some areas of his life, it is largely inconsequential to the amazing little boy he is. I've learned that there are entirely too many kids fighting sickness, disease, poverty, enslavement, and other difficulties. I am praying for God to show me what I can do to help. Until then, I simply pray for them...  I've learned to be honest with faults and share them with others. I've learned to form amazing friendships with women I have yet to meet in person, but have a shared community of love and family through ou...

I never really saw her face. From where I sat at Panera eating breakfast one morning last week, what I saw was the following: long, pretty, and stylish blonde hair. Complimentary accessories. Slender shoulders that led to a slender figure. And a trendy outfit.  This is the conversation that ran through my head as saw the  back of this woman chatting with a companion. "Wow. I wish I slender like that. And her hair, its so long and pretty. My wardrobe has rarely looked as nice..."  Then followed, "I could look like that. I could work really hard, slim down, buy some new clothes. Then I would be a better me. A prettier and less frumpy me." "No, actually, then I'd be a version of her. I wouldn't be doing it because I want a better me. I'd be doing it because I'd be trying to look like her and what I believe is acceptable and pretty around me." I have been lingering for days on my thought process that morning and the motivation behind my...

I complain entirely too much. I know I do. I'm sure somewhere out there in the FB world someone has chosen to hide all my whiny posts cluttering up their news feeds unnecessarily. Can you blame them? I sure don't. For those of you who read, respond, and encourage- thank you!  I do so in part because- well- I've never been one to keep silent. Sometimes that is a blessing and other times it's a curse. That all depends on whoever is at the receiving of the conversation! Sometimes I just want any mom out there like me, who feels like they'll lose it if they hear that musical toy play one more time, that they are not alone. I know I don't hear other moms whine or complain as much as I do and sometimes feel like a crazy-can't-get-it-together-mom. So I also share to commiserate with all you Mommas who LOVE your children and want to do right by them, but are going batty in the process! (Or you Dads, if that's the case) Maybe I do complain too...

Sometimes my toddler drives me mad. I don't mean mad as in angry (though he does that also). I mean mad as in a bit crazy. This kid knows how to push my buttons and so he does on a regular basis.  But, he's a toddler. That's what they do. They push buttons and test limits and boundaries. And it's my job to help define those for him. Over and over and over. Occasionally though, I do what I ought to do more often. I take a step back and I look at Joel and the amazing little boy he is. This blog is not to complain about how tough the toddler years are. This blog is to recognize what  great kid he is and how proud I am to be his Mom. Joel is compassionate. On occasion we'll be at a playground and some kid will get hurt (fall off swing, trip & fall, etc.). Usually, Joel stops, and with a look of concern I hear him as the kid, "you ok?"  The kid usually doesn't here him on account of his/her crying. So he asks again. After a second time of no...

Our screen saver on our computer currently scrolls through photos and videos from our picture library. A few days ago I stopped and watched footage and photos of Alvaro within minutes after his birth. I saw his  little tiny face, wrinkly skin, and pouty lips. I longed to transport myself through the screen, pick up that 4 lbs 12.8 oz baby and hold him close, kiss his face, and just enjoy who he is. I got sad as I thought about how sad, even devastated I was when I first found out he had Trisomy 21 (aka Down Syndrome). It was so unexpected. I had no idea what having a child with T21 meant for us, or for him. There was fear, anxiety, grief, and sorrow. I tried to force my heart to feel joy at the precious babe in my arms. All I felt was sadness and fear. And a fierce protectiveness to love this baby and allow him to be whoever God made him to be. It's so strange, because now his T21 is so.... inconsequential . That's the best word that comes to mind. All the things I lov...

Sometimes, as I start looking back, I feel like God cornered me into a decision: obey or have it all fall apart. I know, it sounds melodramatic. I'm sure I am being melodramatic. Despite that, here are the events that lead to that thought. This series of events all happened at the same time so to speak. The pressure of keeping up with a new job was too much. I felt too distracted to be doing a good job at work, too busy at work to take care of my kids and home properly, and too fearful of letting down my new boss and my family by admitting I could not handle both. I was struggling with the fear of admitting failure....so I tried to work harder than ever at both, all the while compromising the ability to serve well in either arena. My current childcare situation would be changing shortly. The changes would dramatically increase and challenge what I could reasonably afford to pay for alternative solutions. The "backup plan" I had fell through. I felt stuck and sinking q...