Answered Prayers

Several years ago, in my early twenties, I prayed a prayer that would have changed my life. Like the verses of some of the Christian worship songs I sang at the time, I prayed that God would “break my heart for what broke His heart.” I sincerely and genuinely asked God to give me a compassion for people, a compassion I didn’t have. I asked Him to break my stony heart of self-righteous judgment and learn to give love and mercy others. I asked Him to show me how to grieve the things He grieved over and fight for the things He fought for.

What a dangerous thing to pray! Not only because God would answer that prayer, but because gaining these things required more of me than I would have had imagined.

God did grant these things to me. But it wasn't through some transcendental change of heart that happened overnight. It wasn't through Godly service and dispensation of compassion acts, like Mother Teresa embodied. No, it was through my own pain and suffering, through my own brokenness that I was able to gain some of these things.

I wasn't able to extend compassion for others when I knew nothing of their suffering. It was when I sinned, when I felt distance from God, when I felt overwhelming grief in my life, when I wondered if I would ever be whole, that God opened up the doors of His compassion, mercy and grace to me. It was walking through my own journey of hardship, that I received the gifts and answers to my prayers. God gave them freely, but they were not cheap. They were sown in tears of pain and sorrow. Yet I am not sorry to have gone through those hardships. It took those difficult times for God to work his miracles in my heart. It took the experience of brokenness for God to give me the assurance, peace, and grace that I experience now.

One would think I would have learned to stop praying dangerous prayers. Apparently I have not. My follow-up prayer to these seasons have been to know God deeper. I have yearned to have an intimacy with Him, a friendship with Him that I heard existed but knew I didn't have.  Stories of God’s voice and presence in the lives of believers like Brother Lawrence and Corrie Ten Ben stirred a longing in me that desired the same. So I prayed, “God let me know you. Show me how to hear your voice and see your hand in my life. Be near to me as you were near to them.”

And once again, God is being faithful to answer that prayer. I hadn't realized just how many distractions and idols stood in the way of my knowing God better. But little by little as I follow Him in the midst of this process, I am beginning to see His workmanship take place. Like in my twenties, the answer to this prayer is not happening the way I imagined. But it definitely is happening the way I need to. On the outside looking in, some of this process doesn't appear to make sense. But changes are happening from the inside out. And I look forward to seeing where it will lead. 



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