Good Grief

Simone Weil said, “There are only two things that pierce the human heart: beauty and affliction.” And while I find little if no joy in affliction, I have learned to value its merit.

I was driving in to work Saturday with thoughts about grief in my mind. I have been no stranger to grief in my life. It’s not an emotion I enjoy spending time and space with. Sometimes the impact of grief is obvious, particularly after the death of a loved one. Other times it’s more insidious but still acutely painful, like parting with the closely treasured dream or expectation (which has been my experience of late).

As I was thinking about grief and trying to put my experience with it into words, a couple of things came to mind. The first is that grief is like a great purging. While part of the grief experience embraces and acknowledges hurt and pain, the other part of grief seeks to let all that pain and hurt go. Grief is supposed to allow us to move past hurt and pain without becoming ensnarled in bitterness and perpetual despondency. Like the shed skin a snake leaves behind, grief is meant to help us move out from the old and into the new [reality] of our situation and circumstance.

While thinking about this metaphor of grieving being like a snake shedding its skin, I decided to look further into it. I learned that as a snake grows, its skin becomes stretched and worn. A point is reached when it cannot accommodate further growth, so a new skin grows underneath. When this is complete, the old skin will be discarded, along with any parasites it may have picked up. The new skin retains the same patterns and colors as the old.

This shedding is not without purpose: snakes replace their skins to allow for growth, as well as to remove parasites along with the old skin.

Our grieving, or shedding of sorts, can range from a mere inconvenience to a major life crisis. But it’s still a necessary process so that we can move forward as healthy as possible.

C.S. Lewis said, “It takes courage to live through suffering; and it takes honesty to observe it.” I like that quote a lot. Because grieving, suffering, affliction- it all stinks. These experiences are difficult and even gut wrenching. I hate hurting. I hate having to let go of good ideas, great dreams, and even wonderful people. Moreover, I hate it when my loved ones also go through the experience of grief. But there's something about being honest with myself, others, and God through that grief that allows me to disengage with the weight and burden of its crushing effects.

I see that engaging with the grief, allowing the tears to come, embracing the sorrow, and letting go of the desired expectation is that pathway to growth and new seasons.

And so I find myself once again in life revisiting this process of shedding through grief. As I stand back to observe the sorrow in my heart and view it honestly, I can admit that I cannot move forward or grow until I let go of my old thinking. I admit that letting go of the ideas and expectations of how my life “should be” will be the only way to accommodate further growth in the reality around me.

It’s not fun. But hopefully, I can look back later on and see beauty in my affliction. I can, like the snake who shed his skin, see the evidence of my transformation. I can embrace life, not as it “should be” but as it really is with an open and ready heart.

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