The Beautiful Struggle

The long awaited day was finally here. 

The Bride & Groom stood gazing at each other, hands clasped, in front of their family and friends. As they declared their love and promises to each other, excitement and confidence shone in their eyes.

I took in the precious sight, leaned over to my husband, and whispered in his ear, “I’m so glad that’s not us starting from day one.” It was a very

unromantic sentiment from a very grateful heart.

My husband & I have just recently celebrated the eighth anniversary of our wedding day. The day that we stood before all of our family and friends and pledged to be committed to each other: through thick and think and through heaven and hell. We publicly promised to continue to make a decision to walk this life and marriage journey together.

As we have walked this journey together, I have begun to think of marriage as a beautiful struggle.

When I was single, I looked at married couples with longing and envy. I couldn’t wait to have the beautiful day in my beautiful gown. I didn’t know who I’d be marrying, but I knew he’d be Mr. Right. I made notes of things I would do differently and things I planned on replicating. A little bit of this and a little bit of that and a whole lot of Happy Ever After. I knew marriage wouldn’t be perfect and that relationships were work. At least I thought I knew that. But I’d be with Mr. Right, the man I would have worked with due diligence to select. That would be enough to see us through anything. But I learned that marrying Mr. Right wasn’t what guaranteed me a successful marriage.

Marriage turned out to be, quite unexpectantly, a beautiful struggle. There is struggle to give and forgive. There is struggle to know and be known. There is struggle to believe the best and there is struggle when we experience the worst. And somehow there is so much potential for that struggle to transform us into better versions of ourselves. There is almost a mystery of how we can engage in a deeply and intimately connected relationship, see the worst in ourselves and others, and still move forward into understanding that this relationship has the power to transform us for the better. I say almost because there many dynamics about marriage, that if applied by both parties, can lead to a positive outcome and experience. The same can be said how dynamics that can contribute to a negative and destructive experience.

I’m not indicating that marriage has a formula to follow that would lead to successful results. If that were the case, the divorce rate wouldn’t be sky high (in my opinion). But I have learned a thing or two about some relationship dynamics that my marriage has benefited from.

These dynamics include but are not limited to some very key lessons. My husband and I have learned that if our marriage were to survive and thrive, forgiveness wasn’t an option, it was a prerequisite. We have had to learn the sometimes the problem wasn’t the person on the other side of the bed, but the selfish choices inside our hearts that we refused to consider letting go of.

We have learned that when we couldn’t get around a situation on our own, that there was no shame in asking for help. In fact an outside perspective from a safe source (like a counselor) has benefited us in more ways that we realized when we reached out.  We learned that this marriage thing isn’t for the light hearted, because it’s not an easy thing to take two very different people and assimilate them into one seamless entity. No matter how well intentioned they are or how much they love each other.

We have also learned something very significant about our marriage – if both of us are willing to do whatever it takes and do the work required to become that seamless entity- then there is hope beyond measure to overcome any obstacle that comes our way. And boy have we had many obstacles come our way, both big and small.

We have learned that marriage can be full of heartbreaks and gridlock. But it can reach heights of joy and the fulfillment of being married to your best friend. That’s what makes the struggle so beautiful.

We have also had the privilege of being witnesses to this beautiful struggle at work in the life of others. We have of course seen our share of marriages end before that next anniversary. We’ve seen the heartbreak of betrayal and selfishness rip a family apart. But we’ve had the extraordinary opportunity of witnessing some marriages that were destined to die and fail make a comeback no one thought was possible. We have seen two people who didn’t know how to move beyond the problem find the solutions that brought them back from the brink and allowed them to remain united and stronger than ever before. We’ve seen it over and over again. There is nothing that God cannot resurrect if people are willing to die to their own demands and learn to be the person they need to be for their marriages to survive.  (Disclaimer- I am referring to two people choosing to make healthy choices to benefit their marriages. I am not referring to one sided sacrifices where one person is martyred for the sake of the marriage – esp. in occasions of abuse.)

                                                                                

That’s why there is beauty in the struggle called marriage that keeps us desiring to move forward, to hang in there, and to work things through.

So when I attend weddings now, these eight years later from my own, I don’t sit there with stars in my eyes or even with a desire to repeat my wedding day. While the lessons my husband and I have learned have made us better people, we have climbed mountains and trudged through valleys that I have no desire to experience again.

But I will admit when I look back, what I see is beauty in the struggle. Hope was born when we exposed our weaknesses and helped each other instead of attacking each other. Promises were fortified when we continued to look at each other and say, “We’ve come too far to give up now.” That is, for me, part of the beauty in the struggle. That is why I can cheer on marriages and say “you can make it! No matter how tough it seems” We know… because we’ve been there.

For eight years. Eight beautiful, hard, difficult, enduring, giving, nurturing, gut wrenching, intimate, growing and satisfying years. In this: our beautiful struggle.