Changes

I know little of the dry docking process for large ships. But the little I do know, is that the ship is taken out of the water and put on dry land. This enables work to be performed on the exterior part of the ship below the waterline, which cannot happen while its in water for obvious reasons. 

In my blog post entitled Cleaning Up, I confessed to coping with difficulties in my life with food. Junk food, alcohol, sweets, and such were the tools I used to escape my feelings at the end of long and tiring days. Recognizing the unhealthy patterns and seeing the results of it through different aspects of my life, I knew it was time for change.  

As so change has begun.

It's probably too soon to share the results of these changes other than my initial observations. 

Physically, I feel "lighter." My running is better and faster. I don't feel as greasy and bogged down. I don't feel as icky. And some digestive problems I had suffered with seem to be dissipating. Those are the observed and obvious positive changes.

Then there are the changes that are inevitable now that I have begun engaging with my roller coaster of emotions instead of escaping them.  I feel. I feel all day long. Some moments my feelings include gladness, joy, excitement. Other times I feel overwhelmed, lonely, invisible, and superfluous. Many days I feel grumpy, grouchy, and mean. Those are the days I like the least. The days when I can't run away from my own bad attitude. 

I can look around me and see the many blessings and joys I have. I can see the smile on my son's face when he watches his favorite TV show or the joy on the baby's face when he gets some cuddling from his Momma. 

But mostly I have a hard time getting around all my emotions. They are everywhere. Different ones. All the time. And this isn't an issue of depression. I know I am depression free. Its just an issue of learning to deal with life, others, and myself as the fact that I am not in control stares me in the face. 

Mostly... I feel like one of those dry docked boats. I feel like I am undergoing repairs. I am hoping and praying that when I am back in the water, I will be better and stronger than ever. Until then, I am enduring the pains of having barnacles scraped off my hull. I am experiencing the aches of needing to change thoughts and attitudes that have attached themselves to the unseen parts of me. I believe God is taking the time to point these out and helping me to remove them. 

To be honest I am still sorting out what all of those thoughts and attitudes are. All I know is just like those unsightly crustaceans attached to the bottom of ships, its not a very pretty sight. But it must be done, and now is the time.  

So I'll be sitting here for a while, dry docked. I am taking stock in who I am. Learning what that means. Continuing to realize my limitations and be surprised by the capacity for things in life I didn't know I had. Yes, there are many changes to be made. The process may not be pretty. But it will be worth it.