The Madness

Chaos.

 That's how I would describe Postpartum Depression (PPD).

 It's taken 3 weeks of chaos to finally be able to identify what has been going on inside of me.

 Part of me thinks I should have been able to recognize the signs sooner, having experienced it after my first pregnancy. But then I remember it took 3 weeks of chaos last time to be able to pause and realize something was not right. 

 So I sit  here, having taken the lowest dosage of Ativan, to help me get through my waves of anxiety over the next few hours. This is a temporarily solution approved by my doctor until I can get in on Monday for an official evaluation and prescription for anti-depressant medication.

 My heart is racing because I feel anxious. I breathe slowly and intentionally to keep my emotions in control. I constantly feel like crying. I feel desperation for no reason at all. I feel exhaustion and fatigue. I feel a bursts of joy occasionally that dimmers into extreme sadness and guilt. I feel like I haven't stopped crying on the inside for days on end. 

 I also feel drained. I feel crazy and out of control. 

 I can't sleep and I either don't want to eat or I want to eat chocolate and desserts until I can't feel anything anymore.

 I walk around my house, rooms strewn with clothes and toys, and feel as disorganized on the inside as the room look like out here. 

 I sit  here reviewing what I have written thus far, holding my cup of coffee, feeling like I want to jump out of my skin.

 And I am ready to make all this chaos stop.

 If I look back to when I think it really started- I would say the week I returned to work. That's when the emotional hypersensitivety and feeling of being overwhelmed began. So I believe its been probably 6-7 weeks that i fell again to the grips of PPD. It just took that long for it to progressively get bad, with an extra level of increased emotional instability as of 3 weeks ago.

 So why do I write all this? 

 I guess I want to express to anyone who may feel as if things are off, life in unmanageable, and they've been feeling overwhelmed that there is hope. There is no shame is saying "I do not feel well. I do not feel like my usual self." Its ok to explore the root of these feelings and get tested if need be. It's ok and a good thing to reach out for help.

 Last time I went through this- once I was on meds, for the 1st time in weeks.... I finally felt peace, relief, and confidence. I felt contentment. I felt like my old self again. 

 Maybe you aren't struggling with PPD. Maybe life has just been tough. You've been spread too wide and too thin for far too long. The feeling of burnout has made it difficult to care anymore about what's going on around you. Your need for rest just seems like a pipe dream that won't ever happen.


I encourage you. Reach Out. Get Help. 

 I promise you won't be sorry that you took a step forward to get help. 

 I know I'm not sorry in any way that I will now be separating myself from the madness. Tomorrow can't get here soon enough for me. 

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