Navigating The Trenches of the Early Parenting Years

I have a beautiful friend who while encouraging me, described the early years of parenting as being “in the trenches.”

I remember feeling like that phrase perfectly encapsulated the essence of these early parenting years.

I, my friends, am very much in the trenches. In the very thick of it really. With 2 small children, a full -time job outside the home, a revolving door of doctor’s appointments and the usual lineup of necessary duty’s: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., I am in the trenches.

And I feel it.

The weariness from it is not just physical. Sometimes my heart and soul feel just as weary as my body does from the barrage of duties, responsibilities, and teaching my children to be kind, respectful, and responsible human beings.

Can I be honest with you? Some days when I’ve been just a little too tired and a bit too overwhelmed, I begin to think some not great things. Things like, “I’m not cut out for this” or “I’m just not enough” or “I am not enjoying my life.” Worse yet I lift up my weary eyes or scroll on Facebook to see what appears to be other Moms rocking it with aplomb and grace. Then I happen to stumble across a blog about how I need to stop and savor this time. And instead of joy, I am overwhelmed with guilt and tears that threaten to spill down my face.

That’s when I realize I need perspective. Sometimes, the story in my head, particularly when I’m tired is not a true story. Sometimes, the feelings that seems to be negative are mainly a result of one tired Mom who needs to recharge on a regular basis.

So I have implemented strategies to help give me refuge in the trenches. Things I can do to help me move forward and recover some of the energy I need, and hopefully some of the joy and peace as well. 

I have a night off weekly. Thursday evenings, I get off work and I get away. I meet a friend for dinner. Or take a drive on my own. My wonderful husband picks up the kids from school, feeds them dinner, and takes care of the bedtime rundown. Some days the kids cooperate with him fully. Sometimes they fall apart on him. But me? I’m off having some rest, so the next evening I can be present and help manage things. I’ll admit some weeks I feel like I needed 3 nights off. But the consistency of having one night off for me, one night void of crying, whining, negotiating, teaching, correcting, feeding, bathing, is certainly a refuge from life in the trenches.

I listen to podcasts. Sometimes I just need new, healthy things to think about and talk about. My heart and mind need growth. So, while I drive in the car, or I do the laundry, I will often put on a podcast and listen to things that feed my heart and soul. Some are faith centered podcasts. Some are podcasts on creativity. Some are on current issues of our times. But even if I can’t “get away” to learn new things and give deep thought to ideas, I can do it in small ways that feed my heart and soul. One podcast at a time.

Sometimes, I discipline myself to do – NOTHING. My living room may look like its ransacked by a group of crazed maniacs, my dishes might be piled in the sink, and the blare of kids cartoons on the TV may be endless. And in spite of my desire to work myself to “get it all done,” occasionally, I will force myself to grab a lawn chair, walk outside the front door, close out the noise and mess and sit in the silence outside. That may only last 15 minutes before I am needed again. But the silence. I revel in it. Other times, as I drive to pick up the kids from school, I will leave the radio off. No music, no podcast, no phone conversations. Just silence. A few minutes to give me a break from all the noise that wears me out. 

Often I will find someone to talk to. Commiserate with a girlfriend over text about what a tough time I am having in the trenches. Occasionally, I have talked to a therapist or counselor who can help me gain perspective when I can’t see the forest for the trees. And prayer or journaling help me get some of the negativity out of my system.

I also go out on dates. With my husband. For too long we kept putting off date nights because we were prioritizing other things. We delayed because of the kids or because of the [lack] of money to spare on date night. But we found – that our relationship needed its own time out together – to grow and thrive. It’s not easy to find time and resources to do so when you are in the trenches.  But being in the trenches was a lot harder, a lot lonelier, a lot more draining, when we weren’t teaming up together to work through these phases. And dates nights help us remember why we started this whole child raising thing to begin with. Because we loved each other and we wanted to share that love with these other people God have entrusted us with.


All these are necessary strategies to keep me from losing myself, my sanity, and my peace in the trenches. It’s a challenge. I won’t lie.  Some days are harder than others. Some days I lose my peace and sanity and yell and scream and cry like a crazy lady. Some days I ignore my family and clean like a mad woman and wear myself out because I just can’t stand the messes anymore.  But the more consistent I am with strategies to take care of myself, the less frequent the bursts of madness happen.

Because being in the trenches in not for the faint of heart.  I am a pretty strong hearted woman. But I don’t want to die in the trenches. And I certainly don’t want to barely survive it. I have to fight to find my own places of refuge in it. And it’s not always easy, but it has been totally worthwhile.