My Restless Heart - In Constant Motion

What does one do with a restless heart?

I imagine much can be done with a rested heart. I know when I am rested- I get so much accomplished.

But a restless heart is more like a flitting bird. One that moves from perch to perch before it ever has any chance of settling anywhere.

Can you picture that bird? Can you see it in your mind’s eye? Whistling and moving but never quite stopping any one place for long?

That’s how my heart feels lately. I know I'm generally restless in nature. Anyone who has sat through a movie with me knows this. I don’t sit through movies. I shift and move, I lean and rearrange my positions more times than you can count.

But it’s quite a thing to feel like my heart is restless. It wants to settle. But there are so many things going on it wants to touch, that there is great difficulty perching anywhere for long.

Some days friends, my heart longs to settle in. To find the one passion that will allow it to dig roots and flourish and grow. But there is so much to love. So much to do. So many things that capture my heart.

I sit with my boys on the couch and think about how much I love them. About how much I want them to know they are loved and supported. How I hope they never feel like I am too busy taking care of them than I am to love them and be available for them. (As a restless busy person, this is often my weak spot and greatest point of guilt)

Not long after I have these my heart settles on my marriage. All the things I want to do to help my husband know how much I appreciate who he is and how much he means to me and the boys. And how we see how hard he works to help provide all the blessings we have.

Off my heart goes again. My sweet dear friend Kelly mourning the loss of her baby Ferris. I wish I could buy a plane ticket to California and give her a big old hug. It won’t make the pain go away. But perhaps it would provide some comfort somehow? I read her FB posts, how she is openly processing her grief and I think about how amazing and deep she is. I cry. I pray for her, and husband Dan, and boys Felix and Fritz.

I scroll on Facebook and off my heart moves again. Tragedy in London. Meals needed for local events. Friends with sweet babies fighting cancer. Friends with birthdays. Family with struggles.

Flit. Flit. Fly.

I sit at my desk at work wanting to be a dedicated and hard worker. Hoping I’m doing well by those who count on mE to do my job well. And before I can settle with the ax to the grind… Flit… there goes my heart. Moving on to that project at home….

The mural on the wall. The freeing feeling of creating art with paint brushes. I don’t do it often, but something about creating pictures with my hands is so much fun.

But – dinner has to be cooked. Kids have to be fed. Laundry must be done. The dirty floors and bathrooms won’t clean themselves.  Focus I must so I can give my all and strive for excellence in taking care of my family…

And in flight my heart moves again... Then there’s my weight - 20 -25 lbs to lose. Consistency and dedication to my health must be had. My heart must make space for me to also be a priority. A run down sick self is not an effective self. I join groups, get accountability, fight my cravings for potato chips and ice cream… try to be consistent … fall off the no cheating wagon…dust myself off, get back on again…all the while dreaming of Epik Burger Onion Rings… sigh…

And off I go again.

My heart wants to be in all these things. All the time. I want to do it all. I want it do it now. I want to do it well. I want to complete the things I start. 

And yet succeeding at all of these: an insurmountable if not impossible task. But still I try.



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