Under Water

I took a deep breath and went head first underwater. I launched myself towards the bottom of the pool and started moving towards the other side. With my arms and legs I willed my body to move as quickly as
possible, all the while maintaining my held breath. Finally, as I opened my eyes and saw the bleary makings of the opposite end of the pool, I swam towards the surface and took a deep breath of fresh air once I reached it.

As I stood having successfully reached the other side, I thought about how long it had been since I had swam. Despite my efforts to swim fast and hard, I had forgotten about the weight and resistance of the water. I stood with arms and legs tired from my short sprint.

I've come to recognize that depression often feels like that same experience. I will body, mind, and heart to move through the motions of my life with familiar strokes. Instead of encountering ease, I find resistance that leads to a weariness I hadn't bargained for.

In my younger days, having never really experienced or encountered depression, I wondered why people didn't just buck up, shake of their blues, and get on with being in a better mood. All they have to do is not give into it, I reasoned.

What I didn't know is that with depression, similarly to swimming under water, there is a forceful resistance one must push through. Often that resistance pushes back. The issue isn't how hard you want it to be different. Instead to some degree, the issue is how long can you maintain your course until you can no longer hold your breath. Until finally, you can come up and out and breath the fresh air once gain.

If you run into me in the coming days, please know I haven't given up. I am experiencing the resistance of life I hadn't expected. But I am attempting to swim as hard and as fast as I can. Hoping that some day, I can help others learn how to catch their breath, while they are under water. So that once their unexpected swim is over, they can stand on the other side with bated breath, knowing they have successfully made it through to the other side.

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