Changes

I wanted to entitle this blog: "When the Right Decision is the Hard Decision"  But - I don't like have long titles so I just entitled it Changes.

I resigned from a position at my [new] job this weekend. It's time for me to stay home to care for my children and household. 

I know its the right decision. In fact, it's the decision I want. The decision I have been coming to for probably some time, but was too scared to face.

If you're like me, fear can or has been the rudder that directs choices and decisions. I have been working on that not being the case for some time. But my default emotion when doing something new, that I or others are unsure of, is fear.

I am afraid of not being in control. I am afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of disappointing others and letting them down. I am afraid of failing gloriously, miserably, or at all. Most of all I am afraid to admit that I can't do everything. That my capacities are limited and that I can not be all things to all people. I want to be. The fact is that my capacity to do many things at once has been altered throughout the years, and I have stubbornly refused to admit it, though its affects has shown up in my life.

"I could never be a stay at home Mom! I'd go crazy!"  I have stated that more times than I can count in the past few years. Especially after I birthed my first son. My First Time Mom Anxiety and feeling like a duck out of water kept me held fast into the
pond I was accustomed to: working 8 to 5 with sense and purpose to fulfill the dreams and visions of someone else.

Naturally I felt guilt those first few months away from home during the day. I felt almost shame for not being "a better Mom" or the "Mom that Joel needed." Whoever and whatever that was. I also felt guilt for not wanting to be a stay at home Mom. Luckily he was in the care of the next best person, my own mother. Joel and Grandma, or "Mam-mom" as Joel currently calls her, were able to develop their own special relationship. I was grateful for this. First that she was available and willing to help watch over my child while I toiled away at work. Also that she was able to have a special relationship with him even though he was her 6th grandchild.


Then, 7 months ago I gave birth to my son Alvaro. Everything inside of me changed. The lack of desire desire and fear about staying at home with my kids began to change. The desire to be with them daily, invest into them on a more proactive basis, and be hands on grew immensely. The fear of feeling trapped and cooped up at home ebbed away. The
fear of failing with change and finances subsided. But my fear for disappointing others had not.

So forward I moved and on I toiled. Working harder at everything and feeling like I was operating at 40% of my optimum. I felt as if I was running in quicksand to no destination. Like a hamster running in a wheel. Exhausted and slowing down with fatigue, I pushed harder and harder on the wheel, willing myself to move forward for the sake and benefit of everyone else.

But... I couldn't  do it anymore. I didn't want to do it anymore. I am not quite sure when the switch flipped, but it did. 

So I have mustered the strength and boldness I have, encouraged by the love and support of my family, and made the right decision for me. Its the hard decision. I am sure the transition from the corporate world to the world of poopy diapers and discipline city will not be easy. I am sure our financial struggles will not be better- but more challenging.

But I am also sure I will be in the best place for my family. I am sure that my heart and my children's heart will blossom as I am able to give them my best. And I am so looking forward to seeing the outcome of that future.