Freedom in Truth

I went through a crisis of faith several years ago.  

I was angry at God. I wondered why and how my life could fall apart when I had dedicated it to serving him and sharing his love with others. 

I wasn't sure I trusted him. I believed He was real, but not so sure I wanted to be one of His followers. I was hurting and broken. 

So I did what many of us Christians populating the pews do on Sunday mornings: I hid. 

I didn't hide from God or avoid church attendance. I hid from what I perceived to be the judgement of everyone else. Too afraid to show my weakness and found wanting as a Christian, I plastered a disingenuous smile on my face.

People who knew me asked how I was. I said I was fine. That things were going well. I lied. I was sad, broken, hurting, and miserable. I was confused about what God wanted from me and disappointed about where I was in life. I isolated and withdrew from others.

I only shared my true feelings and state of being with very few. Mostly my sisters, my husband (then boyfriend), and a very special Mother in the faith at church.

I remember feeling as if no one else was going through the same thing. If they were, then they were all hiding too. 

If I had known that others shared the same place in this journey, or had been there and survived to tell about, it would have been so helpful. I longed to gain advice or wisdom from others who had been there. But to my knowledge, none were to be found.

That's why I blog. I do not blog because I can't keep my personal life to myself. I do not blog because I want to complain, get pity, or anything else like that.

I blog because I want my transparancy to give others freedom and encouragement. Life is not easy. It is messy, and difficult, wrought with joys and pain. God uses those joyous and painful occasions to transform and shape us (if we let Him.) 

So here I am, giving up the masquerade that I have got it all together and life is a breeze. Instead of complaining that too many others wear masks to hide their imperfections, I volunteer to unmask my own life. I volunteer to remove the fake smile and disingenuous facade that everything is peachy keen. 

Mask off... Scars revealed... And life of freedom in truth continues.

 



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