The Power of Persuasion

Some weeks ago, I purchased a new book. The title of the book is You Cant Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded): Strategies for Bringing Out the Best In Your Strong Willed Child by Cynthia Tobias. I had mentioned on my Facebook page that I was going to read it and some moms wanted feedback to see what I learned and if it was working.

So this is my first post regarding the book and the strategies I am learning.

I have only read 1/2 of the book so far. I definitely skipped forward to the chapter on Discipline before going back and continuing to read the book in order.

The chapters I have read so far are:

1. Who Is the Strong Willed Child?
2. How Do I Build A Positive Relationship with My Strong Willed Child?
3. How Do I Motivate My Strong Willed Child?
4. So What's the Big Deal About School?
5. How Can I Best Discipline My Strong Willed Child?

So how's it going? Well. I will say its going well. There was a point in the past couple of weeks that I avoiding reading the book. Not because it wasn't  good and not because it wasn't "working"... but because the strategies required me to learn or relearn some of my default strategies with my son. And having to relearn some of my strategies was just tiring. Its appears easier to just demand and tell him what I want him to do. It's more work to figure out how to get him to cooperate and do what I want him to do.

That being said, what I have read thus far is insightful. Ms. Tobias is a mother of a strong willed child, was herself a strong willed child, had a father who was a strong willed child, and interviewed hundreds of strong willed children so that she could share information from the strong willed folks themselves about  the best way to approach, motivate, and engage their participation. 

I found it interesting that strong willed children have been known to do outrageous things or push buttons on purpose to test whether or not you love them as much as you say you do. I'll have to remember that when we reach the teen years. I do intend on keeping this book as a guide and reference.

As the mother of a toddler, I'll get straight to the most relevant strategy I feel  am learning. Getting Joel's cooperation and compliance, according to the book, has everything to do with what I say and how I say it. I am supposed to find what motivates enough Joel to want to obey and listen. I'm supposed to approach him as if in negotiation... I maintain my authority but relinquish some control in the situation, so that he feels he has the ability and ownership as well. I am to let him have some control and thus prevent him from feeling controlled and therefore being defiant as a response.

Is it working? Yes! Is it hard work? Yes!  Sometimes I feel like I am on a game show and I have to keep guessing until I get the right answer. But is IS working.

Two examples:

1. This morning, while getting ready for church, Joel was dressed with no socks and shoes on and jumping on our bed. It was time to get Joel's shoes on and in the car.  The conversation went like this:
Xavier (my husband): Joel get off the bed.
Joel: No!
Xavier: Joel its time to get your shoes on. Get off the bed.
Joel: No!
Xavier: Joel- you need to get your shoes on.
Joel: No
I started thinking furiously...and calmly said: Joel, Alvaro and I are going to church. Do you want to come with us?
Joel: Yes.
Me: Ok, then you'll need to get off the bed and put your shoes on so we can go to church.
Joel: Ok.  (He then immediately gets off the bed and heads towards his shoes)

Ex 2: After church - he was in the playground. The playground was emptying and my stomach was hungry. It was time to go. 
Me: C'mon Joel let's go.
Joel: No!
Me: Joel, everyone is leaving. Its time to go.
Joel: NO!
Me: Mommy's hungry. We gotta go.
Joel: No!
Me: Grandma is coming over later. Do you want to see her?
Joel: Yes!!
Me: Ok- then we have to get in Mommy's car and go home.
Joel: Ok!
And he gingerly came to the car....

With Joel- I can demand what I want. I can order him to do what I want. And I get nowhere fast. I can threaten. I can spank. And still get nowhere. Its amazing to learn that changing how I approach him - including giving him a reason to want to do it, makes such a difference.

Sometimes the motivation is a consequence. In the bath when he isn't cooperating. I take away his bath toys. When he's upset that I have removed them, I will then ask him if he wants his toys back. He says yes. Then I say, if you want them back, you'll need to do (whatever the original request is). He then complies. It's reluctant. But he does it. And I keep my end of the bargain and return his toys. 

Now, this isn't a magic trick. I have been guilty of bribing him into his car seat with candy and cookies. Or French Fries. Some days I lack the time or creativity to figure out what will motive him enough to comply without a fight or a meltdown. BUT- those incidences are definitely decreasing.

He was up too late without a nap today. Usually an overly tired Joel will meltdown during a bath. Crying, screaming, etc. can be expected. Tonight, wanting to avoid that, I gave him the choice. 
Me: Joel, Its time for bed.
Joel: No, I want Animals (his name for the movie Madagascar)
Me: Its not time for Animals. We can watch that tomorrow. Now its time for bed. You have a choice. Do you want to sleep or do you want a bath? Sleep or bath?
Joel: Sleep.
Me: Ok. Lets get your pajamas on.
He went into his bedtime routine without so much as a protest.

The power of choice and control has so much influence on this child. Its not magic. But it sure is strategic!