Figuring things out....

Some years ago, I lived in Northern Ireland and served in a non-profit missions organization called Youth With A Mission  [YWAM].  There was a particular 6 month stretch where I was the co-leader one of the schools run by YWAM. I was "on" constantly. Those 6 months, while very rewarding, were filled with very little alone time. I was usually in a group setting: sometimes in a gathering, others times a classroom. Often in one meeting after another. When I wasn't in meetings, I was reviewing journal entries, or putting time in the office overseeing another part of the school, or meeting with students one on one. And I was exhausted.

I remember during that period of time, the strangest thing happened to this self-professed extrovert. Instead of refueling by being with others, all I wanted to do was be alone. I craved time alone in my room with solely a book for company. I relished moments when I could go on a walk and not engage in any conversation.

Although as an extrovert I can usually regenerate from being with others, being in a position that constantly required me to be giving of myself often left me drained. I craved spaces of time where I could just be. Be without having to give an opinion, support, encouragement, oversight, planning... etc.

Many of my social habits returned when my position as a school leader was over. The intensities in which my energy was being utilized shifted back to its "normal" pace... and I was yet again free to spend myself in socially engaging events and occasions.

I don't know why it's taken me so long, but I just had a realization that I am in a very similar situation of sorts. I love my children. I love staying home with my children. I love caring for them. But as rewarding as being a Stay at Home Mom [SAHM] is, this part of my life is also one of the most draining experiences [of my life]. Just like the YWAM school leadership days, I am "on" from sunrise to sunset. By the time the boys are snuggled in their beds dreaming, I am ready to check out. I don't crave time out with the girls. Most nights I don't even feel like I have energy to go for a walk or leave the house (outside of my running). All I want to do is slink off to a corner by myself with a good book. I just want to be. Alone. It has little to do with others, and more to do with the fact that I have little left inside and the best way to stop seeping energy is to STOP. I am finding that what helps me to get back to a solid place of being refueled is different these days than what I am used to. Now re-energizing activities mean being creative, reading, resting, relaxing, running, praying and reading the Bible. And I am finding them to being most satisfying alone.

While that may be strangely different for my extroverted side, it makes sense when I realize that I spend all day giving of myself. Playing moments, teaching moments, feeding moments, tantrum moments, soothing boo-boo moments, they all require me to give 100%. All day long. I just didn't realize how much energy I'd expend when I first transitioned into my SAHM position. Now that its been a few months, this is clearly coming to focus.

I don't regret it. I wouldn't change it. These learning and growing pains are necessary. It appears to have taken some time for me to adjust to this new season, and understand what my calling and role is. It also seems to have taken me time to figure out what I need to fully operate in this season well.

Having not had the experience of staying home when Joel was a baby and growing into the position... I'm figuring things out along the way. (Sometimes the hard way). So if you see me, or talk to me, or quite the opposite and its awhile before you do hear from me - it's just that I'm making adjustments once again. I am learning what it takes for me to be the best me I can be for myself and my family.  We'll see where I grow from there...