Inadequate Expectations

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I'd be a great mom before I had children, I'd have a pretty nice sum put away in a savings account right now. From my late teens to well into my late twenties, I would hear this statement often.  At first, I was bashfully honored others would think so. With time, I believed the compliments and grew in my confidence and skills.

Then my first son was born. I arrived at the hospital rife with hopes and expectations. In fact, they were one and the same. My hopes were my expectations for my new life with my son. A life filled with the outpouring of years of well honed practice and deeply developed nurturing skills.

But my first few weeks as a mom was anything but what I expected. I hadn't expected to have such incredible difficulty breastfeeding. I hadn't expected to not experience an immediate bond with my child. I hadn't expected the "shock" to my system that constant sleeplessness and on call mothering duties required. I hadn't expected the blues of postpartum depression to drag me down a hole of discouragement and
hopelessness. I didn't expect any of that. 

I remember feeling broken. Like whatever it was that was supposed to make me a good mom broke when I gave birth. I was devastated by these feelings. These led to feelings of insecurity and I believed from then on that nothing exposed my insecurities more than having children.

I struggled with these insecurities for months. No, correction, for years. All around me were women who who experienced instant bonds and months of breastfeeding bliss, and grieved that I couldn't continue past 6 weeks. I turned to my friends and other moms to assure me that I did have what it took to be a good mom to my kids. Instead I found myself caught in the crossfire between comparison and unspoken mommy wars and continued to struggle with this deep sense of insecurity. Even when my husband and friends told me I was a great mom, deep down I didn't believe them. Deep down I felt like it wasn't true.

The author/ speaker/ writer/ qualitative researcher Brené Brown shares in her Ted Talk The Power of Vulnerability that she had a Breakdown Spiritual Awakening some years ago while doing her research on shame. This Spiritual Awakening spurred her to do some deep searching in her heart and her life, as she ventured out in her quest to live what she calls a wholehearted life.

Over the past few weeks, I have been going through my own Spiritual Awakening. It started with a big fat meltdown that was months in the making. And I am finding answers and freedom in parts of my life I hadn't even realized were necessary.

While reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Ms. Brown, she made following the statement at the end of one of her chapters. She writes, "Sometimes it helps me to wake up in the morning and tell myself, 'Today, I'm going to believe that showing up is enough."  These words may sound simple. To me, they were profound and life changing.

I wrote these words down and placed them on my bathroom mirror so that I can start my day with this needed reminder. I am choosing to believe that in my life, and for my children, showing up is enough. I felt God speak into my heart and encourage me, that if I show up and love and care for my kids, He'll fill in the gaps. He encouraged and confirmed that I was enough. I didn't have to have it together. I didn't need to be perfect. I just needed to show up and believe that I was enough.

The nearly 3 years inadequacy that I've felt as a mother seemed to have dissipated with those words. Something clicked inside. Something changed.

I pondered these new found changes today. I recognized that I spent years trying to find my encouragement and self worth as a mother in other moms. Instead, I needed to turn my head and my heart heavenward, to the very One who made me a mom.

I also needed to finally let go of the onslaught of expectations I had set up for myself and my children. The ones I had collected over the years. Instead of holding them loosely in my "wish" box, they lived steadfastly in my expectations box. When those expectations didn't happen, my sense of security and self worth fell apart.

It all seems so simple now. It all makes sense. Like the subtitle in the book The Gift of Imperfection, I just needed to let go of who I thought I was supposed to be and embrace who I am. (Thank you Brené Brown for the much needed reminder).