Channeling In To Expectations

I have a confession to make. You know those questionnaires that ask how much TV your kids watch? The ones you take at the doctor’s office or some other assessment for your child.  I’ve lied on those. With frequent regularity. The first (and lowest option) was somewhere about the 1-2 hours a day. The second spot was about 2-4 hours a day. Then it was 5 -6 hours. Lastly it was about 7+. I always chose the second because it was closer to the truth. The truth was my kid watched closer to 6 hours of TV a day.

If I want to do anything right, I want to raise my kids “the right way.” And there are dozens of opinions and facts pointing to what the right way should be in my life. These suggestions take no account of my family dynamics, my children’s personalities and strengths, or my schedule. Most of the information comes from research and reports, and what has proven to be healthier and better for children in general.

Knowing that I was allowing my son to watch “too much TV” despite my desire to limit his screen time and parent him “the right way”, I experienced shame, guilt, and embarrassment about this. So I lied. Every single time. I felt that truth telling would get me judgement or lectures or pamphlets on why TV time needed to be limited. I knew the info. I read the blogs. I struggled with feeling inadequate as a Mother and these helpful guidelines only added to the pressure I felt.

I’d remind myself that my son was awake non-stop for 12 hours a day and that this TV time only accounted ½ the day. I would go on Pinterest and spend time at night after he was in bed trying to figure out how I can entertain him without TV.  One day, I gave it a go with everything I had. I had shopped and incurred materials and projects guaranteed to entertain him for hours. He blew through all of them in 40 minutes. I spent at least three hours work on my part, for what was guaranteed to be 6 hours of entertainment on his part, and we were done in 40 minutes. I remember sitting on the floor, a crick in my neck, knots in my back, and tears of failure running down my face. I was trying so hard to be “the right parent” … and I failed.  I was miserable. He was bored. So I admitted defeat and when it was time to cook dinner, the TV flickered back on.

Last week my son started VPK (Voluntary Pre-Kindergaten). Before we walked into his classroom in the first day, he knew his letters (uppercase and lowercase), his colors, his shapes, his phonics sounds, he knew about animals and their strengths. And he learned all of this mostly on TV. While I was losing sleep over how many hours of TV he watched and how “bad” it was supposed to be, he was soaking in knowledge and information through mostly educational programs. Our instant streaming channels led him to watch hours of Wild Kratt Adventures, Super Why Stories, Leap Frog Adventures, Frannie’s Feets Travels. He traveled the world and back all while sitting on the couch so Mommy could get dinner cooked or bills paid.

I’m figuring out a few things along this process. One is that my son is a visual learner. He loved these shows and would often watch the same episodes over and over. The only part I can take direct credit for in his knowledge is having read to him Dr. Suess’ ABCs and making up flashcards with lowercase letters.  I also bought alphabet puzzles when I noticed how much he liked identifying letters and numbers. That’s about it. His TV shows did the rest.

Despite that learning and knowledge, I didn’t cut myself slack or give myself credit for the fact that the majority of his TV watching was indeed educational. I didn’t stop to think that he was absorbing good information, not zoning out hours of mindless prank filled cartoons (though he did watch some of that too. Zig and Sharko anyone?)  I just listened to the experts, discounted my schedule, dynamics, and how my kid learns best, and compared. I compared and found myself wanting based on research.

I wish I would have believed a lot more often that it was ok. I wish that I had recognized sooner that experts can guide and point me in the right direction, but they don’t determine who my kid is or how he turns out. How he turns out is partly hard work on my part (along with his Dad). It’s also partly on who he is:  how he responds to things, how he learns and how he develops. And sometimes it’s partly on things wholly out of our controls and even our children’s.

Why do I put so much pressure on myself? I want to be a parent who do things the “right way”. And you know what? Sometimes I do the right things and it doesn’t make things great or perfect or work out at all. And sometimes I don’t do things the “right way” and I end up with a situation that works out beautifully anyway.

I’m starting to believe this parenting thing is more of a mystery than a science. It’s more of a dance than a set of rules. So if I’m going to be dancing along with my kids while we learn from each other, I’m going to try to be a little easier on myself. Because sometimes, it’s while I am trying to work out the dance steps of parenting and teaching steps to my children, that I can step into a beautiful rhythm.  A rhythm that doesn’t match the guidelines. A rhythm that doesn’t follow the expert’s advice. And that’s ok. Slowly but surely, I am learning that its ok not be the perfect parent. (I know that doesn’t exist. But for something that doesn’t exist I sure have spent a lot of time trying hard to get as close as possible!)

Anyway, these are my thoughts at the end of my preschooler’s first week of VPK. I can’t undo all the unnecessary stress pressure I placed on myself and still do sometimes. But I can try to let go a little, relax, and pat myself on the back that I made it. We got to the beginning of his school year and he’s doing great. Even though he watched a little too much TV along the way. Or in our case quite possibly because he watched a little too much TV along he way!