Cleaning Up

I've been told a few times, by my Mother specifically, that I've been "grouchy" lately. That's her nice way of saying I'm being rude and short tempered and have been for a prolonged period of time. And I suppose it's true.

Originally I figured it was due to the overwhelming and exhausting days transitioning to being a full time caretaker for my children. Other times I thought it was PMS. Most days I defended it as not having enough coffee.

But if I'm honest, I can begin to admit the truth. It's been staring me in the face for a few days now.  It's a two-fold problem actually. The first part is that I am not in full control of anything or anyone. Part of parenting is "training" up your children. Training. Not controlling. Trying to control my children is akin to taking a novice horse rider and strapping them on top of a wild untamed horse. It can get really ugly, really quickly. And my natural instinct isn't to train- it's control. So... on this journey of parenthood, I, am indeed the one in training.

Not being in control of many things has triggered many [not so nice] feelings. I don't feel like I can control our financial difficulties, my children's tantrums, or the house staying clean. In fact, having small children at home, attempting to believe that I can keep the house clean regularly is as frustrating as it is unrealistic. But I digress.  My point here is that with so many things I can't control, I find I try to lean into things I can control. Like eating.

When some people struggle with control issues, or the lack of it, they become super rigid about their eating. Every calorie is counted. Every calorie burned measured. Every gram consumed is weighed. For some, if one cannot control anything else, then they control what they can eat and how much they weigh.

I seem to be on the opposite end of that. The lack of control brings up the following feelings: overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, afraid. Add to that the new loneliness of being home all day alone with the kids. So how do I cope? I attempt to control the feelings, by eating them away. I don't feel comfort being out of control. I do however, feel comfort when consuming a warm piece of apple pie with cold ice cream. I may feel lonely and invisible after a long day alone with the kids, with nothing but chatter about Jake the Pirate and goldfish snacks.  I may even feel stressed after a particularly difficult day of tantrums due to teething or other ailments.

What feels better at the end of those days than plunking myself down in front of the TV with not one, but two, and on occasion three glasses of delicious wine?

The problem is, I recognized there was a problem. I could not consciously continue this unhealthy coping and ignore the real issues. So I decided to start the New Year with a new goal: Eat clean or die trying. OK, maybe its wasn't so dramatic as that.

It started when I realized that when I ran, I was being negatively affected by my poor food choices. So I tried to "clean up my act" when it came to food- I found out quickly it wasn't so easy. I didn't last past two days before I coped with food once again. I then realized that I was depending on these comforts of food to "ease my stress."  I couldn't control how my day went, but I could control how well I enjoyed myself before I went to sleep.

 Or could I? One night, the two cookies I grabbed to enjoy my chocolate fix, was accompanied by popcorn, more cookies, a bowl of sweetened cereal and two glasses of wine. The more stressful the day, the more of a pattern this became. Somehow this comfort food eating that was being controlled by me, began controlling me.

I didn't want to jeopardize my physical or emotional health, my running, or anything else by refusing to work on this issue of dealing with stress and emotions.

So I started 2014 with a fresh start. Almost. I nixed the alcohol, the sweets, and the Starbucks flavored latte's. I gave myself a way out by not nixing Doritos and soda. Bad mistake. Guess what I have been craving? So- I painfully added that to the list today.

And guess what? I've been crabby. I've been obnoxious. I've been mean and moody. I'm been going through sugar withdrawals and having to face all the feelings that have arisen. The frustrations of feeling out of control. The misery of feeling loneliness. The guilt of not "doing more and being better".

I am beginning to work on and work through the emotions. It's not easy, but I am now finding healthy solutions and coping habits for my heartache.

So hopefully, sometime in the near future, I will be a much happier and much more comfortable me. In the meantime, if you see me, and I am in a bad mood, please forgive and remember: Its's not you, it's me.