The Test

So imagine this scenario:  You have an important test coming up. You study for it. You participate in hands on activities to help you understand the subject. You even look up online articles and read magazines. Confidently, you show up for your exam. You sit down, ready to tackle the questions and conquer this exam.

You read question number one. You stare and blink. You read again. With confusion, you realize this seems a bit like a foreign subject. This question wasn't at all covered in your studying. You shrug it off to a random occurrence and move on to question number two. You stare and blink again. You re-read again. You think, "wait a a minute, what's going on here?" You begin to skim over the remaining questions. You swallow hard and your heart starts pounding. It seems you've been spending your time studying for the wrong test!

Sometimes, as a parent, I feel like this. Especially as the parent of a toddler. I read books. I've worked with other children. I have babysat and gotten advice. Yet sometimes, my own two year old baffles me. He has a different temperament than I do. He doesn't reason like I do. He's not even intimated by me (which is a positive thing at times, but not when I am trying to give pre-disciplinary stern warnings). Sometimes, I feel absolutely baffled by his behavior and how to parent him correctly and positively. 

Then I realize he is 2. And I started studying all over again. Reading  books on boys. Reading articles on toddlers and the particularly worrying habit he is testing Positive reinforcement, Discipline tactics, Strategies, etc. Consistency and repetition over and over to see which one works.  Some days its feels like and exhausting cycle.

To add insult to injury, while attempting to vent my frustrations to other Moms, I feel like I am being told, "You're just not doing it right. I did this and my kid listened/ obeyed/ learned." Just another reminder to this not so confident Mom that I have even more studying and homework to do. Not to mention that their children have completely different temperaments than mine does.  The well meaning advice just isn't as encouraging as I wish it was. Mostly because by the time they share it, I have tried it sixteen times with unsuccessful results. 

My child isn't actually a "difficult" child. I wouldn't sum it up to that. He's just different than I am. He's got enough energy to rival a basketball team before the playoffs. He's a toddler: the perfect mix between emotions, undeveloped logic, and the persisting thought that the world may indeed revolve around him. He's not so keen on my regular reminders that it's not. 

I know one day, I'll be staring at a grown man wondering where the time went. One day, this beautiful boy of mine, with direction, prayer, and good teaching, will be respectful and helpful. One day these years will be just a testament of how although a challenge at first, raising this boy would be filled with more joyous memories than frustrating ones. I do look forward to those days, while trying not to wish these days away.

I just wished I felt better prepared. I wished I didn't feel like I was playing catch up. I wished I didn't feel such a lack of confidence. As if I was a missionary in a foreign land and had no clue how to speak or understand the language. 

Because until I am in that better place, I am one tired Momma.