Obedience
Sometimes, as I start looking back, I feel like God cornered me into a decision: obey or have it all fall apart.
I know, it sounds melodramatic. I'm sure I am being melodramatic. Despite that, here are the events that lead to that thought. This series of events all happened at the same time so to speak.
The pressure of keeping up with a new job was too much. I felt too distracted to be doing a good job at work, too busy at work to take care of my kids and home properly, and too fearful of letting down my new boss and my family by admitting I could not handle both. I was struggling with the fear of admitting failure....so I tried to work harder than ever at both, all the while compromising the ability to serve well in either arena. My current childcare situation would be changing shortly. The changes would dramatically increase and challenge what I could reasonably afford to pay for alternative solutions. The "backup plan" I had fell through. I felt stuck and sinking quick. The stress of being a mile wide and an inch deep was creeping in on me. In my attempts to make everyone else happy and try to "keep it all together"... I started suffering anxiety attacks and losing focus. My memory was being affected. My depression was increasing. And yet I dug my heels in deeper and thought, "I can fix this! I can do better; I just need to work harder." Like a machine being pushed to full capacity, I started collapsing under the pressure I was putting myself under.
In the background, in a quiet place when I was alone, I felt the nudge.... the inner voice and prompting of God... to let it go. Let the striving go. Let the desire to prove my worth go. It was time to stay home with the kids. To regroup. To recover. To slow down the pace. To stop feeling guilty about everything, and focus on what was most important: my family, my household, and my health. To let Him lead me into a brighter future.
I attended a couple of meetings at church. All I did was squirm 2 weeks in a row, trying to avoid admitting that I knew what God was asking of me. Our readings pointed to honesty, authenticity, and obedience. I HATED to not be in control. I HATED not being able to fix everything or work harder trying to. I couldn't work any harder than I already was. I was DONE.
So, despite what seemed like a sudden inexplicable and unreasonable set of events, I quit my job. Most who were close to me were thrilled (my mom, my mother-in-law, my husband, my sisters, and other friends who saw the toll the alternative was taking on me).
The next weeks that followed- I kid you not... every Bible study I attended, every quiet time I had trying to "hear from God" and search the scriptures seem to share the same messages: Do not be afraid. Be courageous! Obedience doesn't mean easy!...
And it hasn't been easy. Our income has been cut by 2/3rds. Juggling staying at home with 2 children under 3 and all that comes with keeping up a home at the same time is ALOT Of work. It's different than what I expected. Not bad, but very different. And very exhausting.
Yet, through the past 8 weeks or so... my soul is finding rest and peace. Not because I am not busy. But because God is teaching me so much: about surrendering fear, about trusting in Him, about how I try to rescue myself instead of letting Him lead the way. I'm learning that while I scratch my head and wonder how all this will work together, my electricity is on, my pantry has food, and my children are happy. My heart is learning to take things ONE day at a time.
Sometimes I take a step back, trying to see how the bigger picture will work out. How the piles of debt will be paid off. How the bills will all be paid at the end of the month. How .... fill in the blank to any probable concern I may have....
Again... there comes that inner prompting: Do not fear. Trust Me. Take it One Day At a Time. So I do.... letting go once again of the anxiety and desire to step in and try to rescue us all- my way- instead of trusting God to lead us - His way.
Interestingly enough, I am finding a peace and joy I haven't had in years.
I know, it sounds melodramatic. I'm sure I am being melodramatic. Despite that, here are the events that lead to that thought. This series of events all happened at the same time so to speak.
The pressure of keeping up with a new job was too much. I felt too distracted to be doing a good job at work, too busy at work to take care of my kids and home properly, and too fearful of letting down my new boss and my family by admitting I could not handle both. I was struggling with the fear of admitting failure....so I tried to work harder than ever at both, all the while compromising the ability to serve well in either arena. My current childcare situation would be changing shortly. The changes would dramatically increase and challenge what I could reasonably afford to pay for alternative solutions. The "backup plan" I had fell through. I felt stuck and sinking quick. The stress of being a mile wide and an inch deep was creeping in on me. In my attempts to make everyone else happy and try to "keep it all together"... I started suffering anxiety attacks and losing focus. My memory was being affected. My depression was increasing. And yet I dug my heels in deeper and thought, "I can fix this! I can do better; I just need to work harder." Like a machine being pushed to full capacity, I started collapsing under the pressure I was putting myself under.In the background, in a quiet place when I was alone, I felt the nudge.... the inner voice and prompting of God... to let it go. Let the striving go. Let the desire to prove my worth go. It was time to stay home with the kids. To regroup. To recover. To slow down the pace. To stop feeling guilty about everything, and focus on what was most important: my family, my household, and my health. To let Him lead me into a brighter future.
I attended a couple of meetings at church. All I did was squirm 2 weeks in a row, trying to avoid admitting that I knew what God was asking of me. Our readings pointed to honesty, authenticity, and obedience. I HATED to not be in control. I HATED not being able to fix everything or work harder trying to. I couldn't work any harder than I already was. I was DONE.
The next weeks that followed- I kid you not... every Bible study I attended, every quiet time I had trying to "hear from God" and search the scriptures seem to share the same messages: Do not be afraid. Be courageous! Obedience doesn't mean easy!...
And it hasn't been easy. Our income has been cut by 2/3rds. Juggling staying at home with 2 children under 3 and all that comes with keeping up a home at the same time is ALOT Of work. It's different than what I expected. Not bad, but very different. And very exhausting.
Yet, through the past 8 weeks or so... my soul is finding rest and peace. Not because I am not busy. But because God is teaching me so much: about surrendering fear, about trusting in Him, about how I try to rescue myself instead of letting Him lead the way. I'm learning that while I scratch my head and wonder how all this will work together, my electricity is on, my pantry has food, and my children are happy. My heart is learning to take things ONE day at a time.
Sometimes I take a step back, trying to see how the bigger picture will work out. How the piles of debt will be paid off. How the bills will all be paid at the end of the month. How .... fill in the blank to any probable concern I may have....
Again... there comes that inner prompting: Do not fear. Trust Me. Take it One Day At a Time. So I do.... letting go once again of the anxiety and desire to step in and try to rescue us all- my way- instead of trusting God to lead us - His way. Interestingly enough, I am finding a peace and joy I haven't had in years.
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