The Disconnect

I never really saw her face.

From where I sat at Panera eating breakfast one morning last week, what I saw was the following: long, pretty, and stylish blonde hair. Complimentary accessories. Slender shoulders that led to a slender figure. And a trendy outfit. 

This is the conversation that ran through my head as saw the  back of this woman chatting with a companion. "Wow. I wish I slender like that. And her hair, its so long and pretty. My wardrobe has rarely looked as nice..."  Then followed, "I could look like that. I could work really hard, slim down, buy some new clothes. Then I would be a better me. A prettier and less frumpy me." "No, actually, then I'd be a version of her. I wouldn't be doing it because I want a better me. I'd be doing it because I'd be trying to look like her and what I believe is acceptable and pretty around me."

I have been lingering for days on my thought process that morning and the motivation behind my desire to slim down and get in shape.

I have crossed the path of COUNTLESS women these past few days as I have shopped for groceries or Christmas gifts. Some of the women I passed by at church or on the playground instead of shops. Most of the times as I passed them I thought to myself, "Wow... she's so pretty. I wonder if she even knows it."

Then I began to wonder if other people saw me as I saw these other women. Many times I didn't think they were pretty because of their hairstyle clothes. They were pretty because they had nice smiles, kind eyes, or an air of confidence. 

I've been pondering on what I believe is huge disconnect in our society. While I pass women on the streets who appear confident in themselves and put together, I also hear statistics about millions of dollars spent on fashion, makeup, face-lifts, weight loss programs, fashion magazines, etc. It appears to me to be a disconnect because so many women are in high pursuit to change themselves, when they are great just as they are.


I'll throw in a plug here saying that being healthy is optimum. I won't argue with that.... healthy is better. But health and beauty are not always the same thing. A checkup at the doctor for blood work and  cholesterol test is hardly the winning factors for beauty queens contests.

Why do I take in the tossed-on tank tops, pony tail and tennis shoes look I don on, and judge myself in the mirror as not pretty or attractive? Why is it when I glance the mirror I don't take note of pretty eyes or a nice smile? Instead all I see is what I consider to be my imperfections, unwanted curves, and the clothes that hug them too tightly.

I'm not happy with that. I'm not happy with this disconnect inside my own mind and heart. The one that thinks sooo many women are beautiful just as they are, but believes that I am not because of the style of my shirt or the child induced curves on my body. (Ok, they are chocolate chip induced also, I won't lie).

I am downright dissatisfied that I believe this distortion that is being sold to me every time I get online, turn on the tv, or walk out the door. The fable that states that my beauty is defined  by whatever product is being marketed and sold. 

While my loved ones embrace this shell of who I am as only a PART of me and accept and love me as a whole, I judge myself and others SOLELY on the shell where the "real" me dwells.

There is something terribly wrong with this picture.

While my head knows that this idea of beauty and desire is being dictated by the business of making money, by comparison, and by wanting to accepted or even deemed be better than others... my heart knows this is skewed perception . True acceptance, by others and myself, is based on who God made me to be and who I am. Not based on what I look like on the outside and how tight my skin is under my clothes.

Do I want to be my "best self?"  Of course I do. But that doesn't mean that this version of myself is not good enough.  It also doesn't mean that this version of myself isn't my "best self." I'm tired of listening to the voices that shout to tell me differently. And I am praying and hoping for a transformation that will renew my view of myself.   I'd love to live in that freedom of being happy with who I am, brown hair on my head to pale toes on my feet. In time, I'd also love help others believe that the beautiful  person they want to be, is the same beautiful person they are right now. Just as they are. 


But I gotta start with me first. 

I am hoping 2014 brings such a transformation. And I hope it has nothing to do with my clothes or curves. 

Here is a wonderful video about self perception and beauty....