The Setback

“You need to start eating healthier," he said. I had mentioned to my fellow sales associate that I had a Coke stashed in the fridge along with and a pack of M&Ms in the back to help me get through my current work shift. I was in between the lunch and dinner hour and hadn't really had time to eat lunch. It was meant to “pick me up” when my stomach began to growl with hunger and my energy depleted.

I don’t remember what my exact response was. I think it was a string of words attempting to justify and defend my “food choices.”  Inside however, I balked. I reasoned and explained to myself how he just didn't understand. Then I started thinking ways to explain or prove to him that he was wrong. Except he wasn't. And I knew it. And it bothered me.

This simple comment from my coworker began to haunt me for the next week. It was a catalyst to asking myself some very honest questions.

You see this time last year I was struggling with depression, anxiety, and feeling terribly overwhelmed and burned out. By the end of the month I had strapped on my running shoes and ran my first mile. I know there are all sorts of options to get healthy: eating plans, systems, exercises, and programs. But something was different with the running. I was able to reach into an inner strength I couldn't find when I was bogged down by my blue state of mind. This inner strength propelled me further- signing up for 5K’s, cleaning up my eating, and being honest about coping unhealthily with food.  It was as if someone had dropped down those breathing masks from the airplane pressurized cabins and I could finally breathe.

Then in mid-April a string of events began to take place that catapulted me off my desired course to health and fitness. I suffered some minor injuries that slowed me down. In addition to that, other challenging circumstances would require me to take a break from running. I wasn’t sure for how long. But I knew it would all come to a halt. That scared me. I figured it’d only be a matter of time before I was in the same place I was before I started. So what did I do? I gave up.

I didn't even recognize at the time that’s what was happening. But that's precisely what I did. I sat down on the curb of disappointment, pouted and whined, and opened up a bag of chocolate chip cookies to down my sorrows in. Cookies, cakes, ice cream, and more was purchased without so much of a blink.

Old habits die hard. So when the going got tough and my running mojo was gone, I went back to the thing I did best: I ate away my pain. I felt guilty. I felt yucky. I felt discouraged. I felt blue.  My jeans got tighter and my progress reversed. But most of all, I ignored that I had willingly chosen to be back at Square One. I wasn't a victim of circumstance. I had options and I chose poorly.

Acknowledging this seems to be the key for change. Once I owned that I had given up, I had a decision to make. I could decide to stay in the same unhealthy spot and continue to get worse or I could make the change needed to get better. I could see the past few months as the setback it was, or I could continue to wallow and believe that I don’t have it in me to change. 

So this weekend, I bought a new pair of running shoes. I restarted my healthier eating regimen.  And I’m back on the right path. I got honest with myself about what was really going on: that my struggle wasn't with food. My struggle was against my-self and my choices to fight [or not fight] for a healthier me.  Now the fight is back. And I don’t plan on giving up any time soon.